Skip to main content

Still Born.

Yesterday, I was contacted by an old friend that wanted to ask a sensitive question of me.  I'd like to think that I'm an open book and I said yes without hesitation, just interest.
The friend wanted to know about my stillborn Caleb because she'd just learned that her niece had miscarried twins.  She wanted to know what my advice was on walking through that experience and if I had any tips or regrets on things to do.

I can't have those conversations without tears, but it's not painful in the way you might think.

When driving away from the hospital after Caleb had been released to the funeral home, I was broken, but a couple things were clear...
....telling my husband that this event wasn't allowed to tear us up because I wasn't willing to lose any part of a relationship after losing a baby.
.... feeling completely empty because you spend months carrying a baby and then it's just gone.  In late-term pregnancy, everyone can tell you're expecting.  After delivering, you just look fat.  People don't see the loss.  No one knew the baby so it's not like they can be expected to know what you're going through or even that there's loss. It's just gone and I felt like no one could feel that like I did.  Here today, gone tomorrow. No impact made.  What was destroying me was invisible to everyone else.
....gifts were dumb.  They were kind, they were appreciated, but they were nothing more than a poor substitution for what I was supposed to be holding.  Don't get me wrong, if you know a mother going through this, take something, take anything, but don't be offended if they don't look happy.
....an overwhelming, all-encompassing pain because this life wouldn't matter... at least that's what I thought at the time.  Lives matter.  Humans impact other humans. My baby was gone and I felt completely choked by the concern that his life would mean no one to anyone but me.

My tips were easy: take lots of pictures, hire a photographer you like, have a service for the baby, take your own blankets, clothing, ect., buy duplicates of what you bury baby in.

After the conversation, I cried and cried and cried.  Not because I can't talk about it, but because it's real and raw and painful.

But talking about it is healing.  What I wanted more than anything was for his life to matter and it does.  It does.  Here I am, 9 years later, with him still being thought of.  He matters to me.

He was stillborn, but he was Still Born. Likely the most lovely thing I could've given him.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Dating with kids

 I'm getting in the shower this morning and I'm hit with the weirdest old thought process...  What's better: a divorce or a death? Sharing kids with an ex or having sole discretion? I'm not delving into that today, but I'm in the weirdest situation in my marriage.  It's hilarious. Lots of people live in separate places through the course of their relationships.  I never thought that'd be my reality, but Surprise!  Mine turned out to be like that. After months of him staying in hotels, he got his own place.  There's more to it than that, but that's the boil down.  Now, we're in this cool situation where we see each other about 1/2 the week and trying to carve out time for togetherness is now a challenge again; at the very least, it has to involve intention... that is actually something everyone could benefit from.  I hate it.  My first husband died and we were rarely separate... I never thought I'd be alone. Then I went through the whole datin...

Special Topics: Passive Readers' Advisory

I don’t know everything, but I do have a lot of deep-rooted opinions.   I feel that a lot of humans in 2020 are accustomed to finding information on their own and are less prone to ask for assistance.   I feel that plenty of people will follow the direction that they’re given.   I believe that one bad experience can often cloud an opinion and result in an unjustified, poor Google review.   I believe many people are mentally taxed and need a break so gentle nudges are appreciated.   I believe that the bulk of humans walking around these days needs entertained constantly due to their regular stimuli and this poses an interesting task to every business out there to stay interesting and relevant.   As a library director, these opinions coupled with my mission to push materials and stay a relevant, useful tool to the community means that I employ a lot of passive readers’ advisory at my branch.   Yes, patrons will often ask me for recommendations and I’m ...