Dating with kids

 I'm getting in the shower this morning and I'm hit with the weirdest old thought process... 

What's better: a divorce or a death? Sharing kids with an ex or having sole discretion?

I'm not delving into that today, but I'm in the weirdest situation in my marriage.  It's hilarious. Lots of people live in separate places through the course of their relationships.  I never thought that'd be my reality, but Surprise!  Mine turned out to be like that. After months of him staying in hotels, he got his own place.  There's more to it than that, but that's the boil down.  Now, we're in this cool situation where we see each other about 1/2 the week and trying to carve out time for togetherness is now a challenge again; at the very least, it has to involve intention... that is actually something everyone could benefit from.  I hate it. 

My first husband died and we were rarely separate... I never thought I'd be alone. Then I went through the whole dating with kids thing and that was interesting-- trying to find time to learn a new person and see if you match while still being a parent.  My guy was divorced so he had the reality of not being responsible for children a certain number of days a week. I didn't have that... it was me, me with a lot of help, but still me. I've decided I prefer that.  I wouldn't want to share my kids.  After months of dating, we fell into a rhythm: I would go to him one day a week and it was just us and he would come to me on weekends and we had four kids around us. Eventually, it got scary because it was no longer just us wanting to be together.  I remember the day that I realized that the kids expected it as much or more than we did.  

You can't date with kids and not impact them.  You can't. 

Adults understand that not everything works out.  Kids need stability and predicability.  I understand that I'm talking about kids who had (in our situation) experienced a parent's death and a parents' divorce so yes, they know that things fall apart, but kids don't want that.  They want predictable.  They want regularity. They want the framework of their lives to be steady... they need the framework of their lives to be steady so that they can be children and experiment with the world around them and know that their framework is steady even when they aren't. 

So, back to the point, now I'm 40 and feel like I'm dating with kids again.  I have to carve out time to see my husband and create normalcy in new environments. I have to plan to see him and make time to get there and decide if two of our kids go along or if they don't (at practically 16 and 12, that's a new, exciting option). What that means is that I've mostly only seen him on weekends when we have four kids underfoot. Do you know how hard it is to feel like you're giving your relationship any time at all when you need to make the time count with your step kids on that same clock? How to give your relationship any time when your biological children feel like you choose between your spouse and them? I guess the way you do it any other time in your life.  I'm a big believer in that it's not that hard to see what's important to people: look at what they give time to. We must be intentional with our time.  It should be clear to our children that we love them.  We must give them our time and our attention. We must listen to them and teach them.  We must devote time to them because we are their base, at least for now. We must also show them that one's spouse comes first. I don't think that's a popular opinion among people who have children when they get married-- Kids come first. No, they don't. In some ways, you come first now and that means your relationship until your relationship is hurting you. Then, your kids must be elevated because of what you're showing them. To be transparent, I'm there now.  I'm in the place of putting myself first a bit.  My husband and I agreed in this new living arrangement to put each other first, but it's clear that that also means I need to consider and care for myself first in the ways I needed to or should've when I was single before. And then you get to step back and see what it's doing to your kids.  In normal life, they might not notice; kids are selfish creatures usually. In this COVID world where my kids are home all the time, I'm now the sole source of entertainment and order so they are watching me just as much as they were in my early days of widowhood. It stinking sucks. They see my husband and I in different locations and practicing what feels like intentional dating.  This isn't normal for me.  It might work for some people, but this isn't what I wanted.  lol, there are DEFINITE perks. I watch TV in bed as late as I want, I don't pick up after him, I eat onions when I want, etc., etc., etc., but I wanted a husband and a home and living together.  Right now though, I get the gift of time with me and just my two and intentional dating.  

And don't get your undies in a bundle about me calling it dating when I'm married.  You should always be dating your spouse.  Always.  Never stop dating. <3